Q. I have been married to my wife for a few years, together for about 10. We have children, and I have considered everything generally happy. However I discovered — through some old Facebook messages — an incident that occurred when we were engaged.
My now-wife was at a bachelorette party about seven years ago. She met some famous athletes at a casino bar. This part she told me at the time. What she did not tell me was she hung out with one of these athletes all night and went to their hotel room. It doesn’t seem like they had sex, but stuff happened. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. Should I confront her? Also, does this mean she has been unfaithful beyond this encounter?
— Stuff Happened
A. It sounds like you should talk to your wife, because the lack of information has caused you to imagine the worst. Be very honest with her about how you discovered these messages. Tell her exactly what you read and why it’s making you doubt what you have with her.
Then listen. I’m sure she’ll have something to say. If she writes this off as a decision she made long ago, please remind her that it’s new to you. It makes sense for you to be on your own schedule with this.
I can’t tell you what she’ll say or how you’ll feel about it. All I know is that one lie doesn’t mean you’re living a lie. It’s possible she very much regrets the experience. But even if she doesn’t, what matters is that she’s been more than capable of loving and committing to you since that party.
There’s no reason to assign meaning to this before you hear what she has to say — or before you’ve had time to think about it.
Talk to your wife so you can unwind what is going on in your head a little. SUNALSORISES
I suggest you forgive her in your heart, never speak of it, do your best to never think of it, and do not hold it over her head, even silently. FINNFANN
“Living a lie” is overly dramatic. She probably was just having fun and felt flattered that the professional athlete was choosing to spend time with her. Feel free to bring it up, but remember that it was seven years ago and before you were married. LALAP
Nobody likes to be lied to, but this was a long time ago, before you were married. I wouldn’t throw away a marriage over it. Rather than “confront her,” why don’t you just ask for more information? I find a few questions lead to a better conversation than a full blown confrontation. BOSTONSWEETS21
You don’t know the whole story. Do you want to? What if you met a very famous person and hung out with her all night? Would you tell your wife every single detail? Would she be living the lie? I suggest you get over this, because your ego can’t handle it. PINKDRINK
Why were you reading her old Facebook messages? Were you having unvoiced doubts about fidelity or honesty that prompted this search? Talk to your wife, absolutely, but perhaps reflect on your own thoughts, feelings, and motivations leading up to this scenario as well — it may give you more clarity about what you really want to ask or tell her. CHASINGPAPERloveletters.show or wherever you listen. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters. Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org.