Q. I just found out that my husband was sexting with my sister, “A.”
From what I was told, nothing else happened, other than that they sent each other inappropriate pictures. My entire family knew about this. No one told me until recently that I was having problems with my husband. I didn’t even know.
It is hard for me to keep a secret, so I confronted my husband. He admitted it and he said that he is wrong for doing this. My problem is that now I can’t look at him. I keep thinking about what he did to me. Also, he said he sent pictures of his privates to other girls, but I don’t know who they are.
We have two kids. I am considering asking for a divorce, but the only thing that is holding me back is my children. I don’t know if I can live like this, though, just for my children to have both of their parents together. Please help!
A. Your question sent me down the (unfortunate) rabbit hole of researching why men send these particular pictures to other people — sometimes to virtual strangers. And . . . aside from deeper psychological reasons for doing so, the answer is (basically): sex.
You don’t seem to have questions about your relationship with your sister, but yes, your relationship with your husband is in trouble.
Is he registered on Internet sites where he is meeting women and sending or exchanging these photos? What are his motivations for doing this? If he knows that this is wrong, then why is he doing it? You should ask these questions and attempt to have an honest dialogue about it. A marriage counselor would help.
Staying together for the sake of the kids isn’t necessarily best for any of you, especially if your husband is engaged in compulsive sexualized or sex-seeking behavior.
Q. Could you run a “destination wedding” PSA? Those of us invited to destination weddings are often put in a difficult position between going into financial debt and missing out on an important day for someone we care about.
I plead with brides and grooms to consider the financial situation of those they are inviting before choosing a destination wedding.
I know for a fact that these weddings are often much cheaper for the bride and groom, while the additional expense then falls onto their guests. This is not right.
If you are hosting a destination wedding, offer to at least help out for people you KNOW can’t afford it, but who would hate to miss it. Even just paying for one of their plane tickets can mean a lot.
A. Sometimes people hosting destination weddings are being thoughtless regarding the burden placed on their guests.
But sometimes, couples hosting destination weddings are doing so deliberately, to keep their guest lists small and to escape challenging dynamics with some family members who they know either won’t want to — or won’t be able to — travel for the wedding.
Do you think this is selfish? (Sometimes it is.) But remember that this is their party. It reflects their values. Yes, covering some of the costs of some of the guests would be thoughtful and generous. Some couples do this.
But here’s a PSA for wedding guests: If it will break the bank for you to attend a destination wedding, you should not go.
Q. As a hair stylist, I speak with dozens of amazing young women every week. Some want kids, but many don’t.
What’s disheartening is how many confide in me that, while they don’t want kids for one reason or another, they feel pressured to do so by some external force. A common reason is, “My parents want grandkids,” but I also hear “My sister wants her kids to have cousins.”
Often they worry their significant other will leave them if they don’t have kids. As a professional, I don’t feel I should weigh in, but these women need to follow their gut!
Pressuring someone to have kids is wrong. Wanting to make someone else happy is not a good enough reason to have kids. You should do it because you WANT to raise children.
I’m hoping you’ll run this as heartfelt advice to women: You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to. Please, do what makes you happy. You’re not obligated to please others.
A. Absolutely! Thank you for offering your perspective.Amy Dickinson can be reached at email@example.com.