It was a tough race for Winner of the Internet this week. There was the self-driving trash can that instantly took the lead for GIF of the Year for its sheer versatility. There were these adorable kids using
iPhone Animjois to lend their squeaky little voices to similarly cute cartoon dogs, dinosaurs, and octopi. But the clear winner this week is the out-of-control supply cart, caught whirling around on the runway at O’Hare Airport, whipping its contents everywhere until a brave ramp worker plowed into it. And while its centrifugal force was impressive, its metaphorical momentum propelled it across the Internet as the ultimate technically-inanimate representative of our current political crisis.
Elsewhere in entertaining disasters, conspiracy theorist and strange boy from next door Jacob Wohl attempted another one of his all-shell no-bomb “press conferences” this week. Wohl (passing time whilst awaiting arraignment for unlawful sale of securities later this month) accused Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren of having an ongoing sexual fling with a 24-year-old ex-Marine bodybuilder — which, I’m going to have to do some further research, but sounds pretty awesome. Alas, this being Wohl, none of it was true and the dozen or so real-life attendees ate the free doughnuts, laughed heartily at him, and returned to reality. Warren, meanwhile, responded with a call for student debt cancellation and a wry bit of school spirit for her alma mater: “Go Cougars!”
And while cougars (in that sense, anyway) aren’t particularly dangerous, lions (in just about any setting) definitely are — an arcane bit of nature trivia that seemingly hadn’t reached one woman visiting the Bronx Zoo this week, and with whom police would like to chat. An Instagram user posted a video of her ill-advised foray over the fence of a lion enclosure, where she proceeded to engage in what is either a tender moment or a pre-lunch staredown with two adult lions. And while the lions opted not to tear her to pieces (they are notoriously cowardly), Instagram wasn’t as gentle.
COULD BE VERSE
Lastly, this week gave us nothing if not a towering heap of pressing existential questions. And while you’re busy working on those, I’ll be struggling with this one: If you could drop a single F-bomb into any line of seminal plum-theft poem “This Is Just to Say” by William Carlos Williams, which one would you choose? (I know, not easy.) A viral survey so far has about 10,000 responses — most of whom opted for the obvious “they were [expletive] delicious.” (Come on, people.) But even with all of this experimentation, the message of the poem remains intact: William Carlos Williams was a [expletive] monster.